WAR XLV - Family Tradition

Spending time with the family for the holidays?

Have you forgotten about your extended-extended family?

Yes, the ones with the mullets. With the 'Palin 2012' bumper-stickers. The family no one really speaks of. Yeah, it is time to hang with that family.

So, let's meet up with your Uncle Billy, your old Aunt Ginny and that creepy Uncle Nasty. Yeah, the one with the panel van.


Let's meet at Uncle Billy's on Barton Springs for dinner and beers. Since no one is really working, let's try to make this ride somewhat punctual.

Meet at 6pm for dinner. Ride leaves at 7. For reals.

We will hit Ginny's Little Longhorn and Nasty's, most likely.

WAR XLIV - XXXMas

Crowded parking lots. Packed flights. Tensions building. Stress level elevated. Annoying music everywhere.

Yep. It must be "the most wonderful time of the year."

Yes. I'm a Grinch. A mean one. A humbug of epic proportions.

I'm the guy that wonders why that dude that stole Christmas returned it.

You know what I want for Christmas? December 26.

Well, if we are going to have merriment forced upon us, at least we can ride bikes. Let's meet this week at Dirty Martin's (about 29th and Guad). Ride starts at 7. PROMPT.

We will consume merriment at a few choice locations. I'll even throw in a Christmas light tour. And, I promise, I won't bring my setlist of the most annoying Christmas music ever. (except I will)

...and yes...I'm actually going to show this time.

WAR XLIII - The Middle

So, I've been debating with myself. Wait that sounds gross.

I've been arguing with myself about the ride tonight. North or South? South or North. Finally I said, "Hey, Self let's meet in the Middle. Also, you are very handsome."

So, if you call Anderson Lane the border of the North and Barton Springs Drive the Southern boarder, that would make Crown & Anchor the geographic center of the universe. Plus they have good burgers.

Let's meet there at 6pm. We roll at 7pm (sharp) We can hit places in the middle like Nasty's, whatever they call the Showdown now, and Dog & Duck. Or where ever you want to go...I'm done arguing.

WAR XLII - Up Shit Creek.

You've been there...looking for your paddle. The Creek - you're all up in that shit.

This week's WAR will honor Austin's Creeks - Shit or otherwise. Barton, Shoal, Johnson (haha, I said Johnson) or Waller. We got's us a mess of Creeks, and there are often bars near them. Bonus.

Meet at Austin's premiere Creek Establishment - Shoal Creek Saloon - 6pm for a giant pork chop dinner - ride leaves at 7pm.

Daylight wasting time is upon us and the darkness brings vampires. Bring your blinky to fend them off. Garlic too. ...and don't forget your paddle.

War LXI - Uncle!

It is that time of year. Uncle's Day. Ok, it doesn't yet exist, but it should.

Meet Uncle Billy's Brew and Q. You know the time.

Dress like either Uncle Jesse (Dukes or Full House version)

WAR 60 - Spooky!

Well, the WAR is turning 60. Damn. Just like Crowder with a hangover, the WAR is beginning to look like the Crypt Keeper.

In honor of the upcoming pagan holiday, the WAR ride again this Wednesday. You can even ride headless if you want.

Meet: Wahoo's Fish Tacos - 6th and Rio Grande. 6pm if you want dinner.

As always, ride leaves at 7pm SHARP!

We will visit: Doc's Motor Works, The Scoot Inn and Dirty Bills.

Bring your lights, our available sunlight is dwindling.


THE MAP

WAR 59 - Oktoberfest

<----- I like your beers.



Ah, fall. Football is in season, the heat has broken, and the leaves begin to lose the green luster of summer. Fall, the air becomes just crisp, and the critters race to store up goods for their long winter slumber. Ah, Fall...what a lovely time of year in Central Texas. We can continue to wax poetically, or take a note from the Germans, who turn the whole goddamn season into a beer festival!

It's Oktoberfest, Kiddos. Lace up your liderhosen, hide your Schnitzel and come out for a bike ride.

Before any of you get snappy, yes Oktoberfest is technically over. It's the 16 days leading up to the first Sunday in October. But as US Americans, we have a hard time reconciling that with with the actual inclusion of the word 'October'. Plus, you can say it's over....but was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell No!

Roll out the barrel, expect to Polka. The Scorpions WILL sing the Winds of Change. My epic German Music collection has been in hiding for two long years....lagering so to speak. It will make it's Epic return. Prost!


The ride - Wednesday - 10/6

Meet: Flying Saucer - 815 W 47th St (The Triangle)

Time: Brats at the 6:15p Depart 7:00p

Destinations: Flying Saucer, Scholtz Beer Garten, Draught House

Bring: Bike lights, friends

Attire: German casual. Liderhosen if you got 'em.

THE MAP

WAR 58 - Pixies!

This Wednesday’s WAR Adventure will be sponsored by Pixies. No, not little people and fairy dust – I’m talking THE Pixies. (Although, Tinkerbell is HOT) You know, the Boston band led by Black Francis. I know a few WAR riders are planning on hitting the show – WAR staff will make every attempt to deliver you to Austin Music Hall on time and with a pleasant beer-buzz.

Meet – Wahoo’s Fish Tacos – 6^th and Rio Grande

Ride leaves at 7pm. Pixies, Frank Black and the Catholics and The Breeders will be in tow.

List of locations is secret. But, I can promise we will Head On a Wave of Mutilation like a Surfer, Rosa. Look out – Here Comes Your Man like a Gigantic Monkey Gone to Heaven. Hey Allison, let’s kick this Planet of Sound and turn up De Base(er).

God, I’m good.

WAR 57 - Charlton in Charge!

So this week I am out of town, and the WAR's favorite son, Charlton is leading the ride. So, Charlton is in charge.

Charlton had this great idea of a "Watergate Ride" in honor of the Anniversary of Nixon's pardon.

You know, crossing the gates of Austin across our water to watering holes. I love it. Creative, historical - awesome.

However, I can't let the opportunity pass to put Charlton in Charge. And, point out that he actually does resemble Scott Baio circa 1987.

So, there you have it. Charlton is in Charge.

Of our days.
And our nights.

Meet: Mangia Pizza (Lake Austin Location)

Charlton is in Charge of our wrongs and our rights.

Meet at 6pm. Right leaves at 7pm SHARP!

And I sing, I want Charlton in Charge of me!

We will hit: Lustre Pearl, Deep Eddy and Uncle Billy's.

And I sing, I want Charlton in Charge of me!

Bring: Bike, beer money, a lock, and remember, Joanie loves Chachi.

(I have to admit, I plugged in the Charles in Charge lyrics from memory. I don't know whether to be proud or horribly embarrassed.)

WAR 56 - Are you Ready for some Football?

I can feel it in the air tonight. Oh Lord.

It's here. Finally. The 100+ degree temperatures have ushered in Football Season. Hell yes.

I've waited for this moment for all of my life. Oh Lord.

UT opens up on 9/4 this year versus Rice, on their way to what appears to be the final Big 12 Championship game. Bring it.

Oh Lord.

OH LORD.

It is time for the annual Football Ride. We will salute some of Austin's finer sports bars. More importantly, we will salute the Horns by riding around the stadium blaring The Eyes of Texas - from our bicycles. Yeah. Feel it in the air. Are YOU ready for some football?

Meet: Crown & Anchor 9/25, 6pm. Ride leaves at 7pm Sharp!!!
Bring: It.
Wear: Orange.
Be: Loud.
Rock: The Casbah.


THE MAP

Please note: The included lyrics do not condone Phil Collin's watching of a guy drowning a guy.

WAR 55 - General Malaise

It has been a few weeks since I actually attended my own ride. Just like General Patton, I Shall Return. And just like John Winger, Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual.

So, this weeks theme will be loosely based on our over arching them (or at least our moniker) -- WAR.
We will meet at Central Market. Why?? Because it actually sounds like a country you could invade in a really captivating game of Risk.

Then we will make it down to the Good Knight followed up by Headhunter's.

We will end up at the Draught Horse, because all good wars involved England and horses.


Meet: 8/11 - Wed - 6pm - Central Market
Ride leaves at 7pm - SHARP!

Bring: Bike, lock, and your favorite implement of destruction.

The MAP

WAR 54 - Work on it

Ok, so the eternally changing location at 29th and Rio Grande has changed again. What was once HangTown/Pongos/Drungos/and more...is now Jax. So, we are going to start there. By my calculations, which are never wrong, the place has about 8 months to be in business.

Since Jax reminded me of the old Jax's beer, we are going to make this a working mans ride. You can go Merle Haggard working man, or Geddy Lee working man - I don't care.

We will sip coldies at: Jax, The Iron Gate and the Hole in the Wall.




Meet Jax, 7/28, 6pm ride leaves at 7pm
http://jaxjoint.com/

Bring: Lights, Locks and Fellow Workers. Workers Unite! (ie, not Cliff)

MAP

WAR 53 - North and South

The WAR has gotten away from our roots a bit lately - the riding of the bicycles. Weather, rain, music and the fucking Police have been cutting our rides short. So, this week my friends, we ride.

Well...okay, we will drink beer too.

This week we are going on a North/South ride. We will cross Lady Bird Lake at least twice. This night, we ride.

So get your pedals turnin'
Head out on the highway
We are looking for adventure
Or what ever comes our way

Meet: 7/14 Wed - 6pm
Trudy's Texas Star (30th)

We will hit Gibson, a new bar down South. I've never been. Then Woody's, then back north to Nasty's.

Bring a light, lock, bail money and a friend.

Also, first person to correctly identify the bastardized song lyric above gets to buy me a beer.

THE MAP

WAR 52 - ???

The weather is looking sketchy. Let's meet at Shoal Creek about 6pm and leave at 7pm. We will leave the route up to a group vote.

Meet: 6/30 - Shoal Creek Saloon

WAR 51 - Psychedelic Tex-Mex

This weeks WAR Ride will be centered around Psychedelic Tex-Mex. That's a pretty specific topic, you say. We are basing a whole ride around THAT, you say. Well, to you I say, shut up and get your own damn ride.

Hell yes we can do a whole ride around Psychedelic Tex-Mex. It's Tornado Season - so get out of your 'fraidy-hole (that is actually what they call the shelters in Oklahoma) and come to Zilker to see the famed Texas Tornadoes.

Yep. Augie, Flaco and Sahm (Jr.) will be rocking Zilker with their LSD fueled Accordions. After that if you have not had your fill...there is MORE Psychedelic Tex-Mex to be had: La Tampiquena is playing Scholtz's.

Both shows are free. Both will be great.

Meet: 6/16 6pm - Pluckers - 22nd and Rio Grande. We will leave at 7pm (for real this time)
The Tornadoes go on at Zilker at 7:30pm. There is food available at Zilker, but, sadly no beer. We will leave when either we are tired of the show or the DTs begin to set in. Then we will hit Scholtz and end up at the Local (formerly Woodys formerly The Showdown)

Bring a light, a lock, a friend and wear your freshly pressed Guyabera.

THE MAP

WAR L - Pride

A man's worth can't be measured by their money
I know rich men that can't stand on their own
What keeps a joe from lookin for a handout
Well, that's somethin he's born with in his bones
That's Pride; they can't take it; That's Pride
--- Dale Watson

50 Rides and the WAR keeps on going. I'm damn proud. Hell we have a lot to be proud of.

To quote the great Dale Watson again:
"I'm American, I'm a husband, and I'm a Daddy. I love real country music, I love Texas and I love my mama - and it's gonna be that way until my dying day, cause I got pride."

Most recently, I'm proud the WAR will continue even after "the man" tried to bring us down. You can beat us, you can ticket us, you can throw us in jail - but you can't take away our pride. Even though the State Troopers fucked us over, I'm still proud to be from Texas.

"By God we're so darn proud to be from Texas - yahoo!
Even of our pride we're proud and we're proud of that pride, too
Our pride about our home state is the proudest pride indeed
And we're proud to be Americans, until we can secede!"
--- The Austin Lounge Lizards

So, let's get together this week and show our pride. To boot, (as Crowder has informed me numerous times), it's Pride Week.


To celebrate:
PRIDE in our 50th ride: We will visit at the oldest bar in Austin - Scholtz - where, by the way, Dale Watson himself will be playing.

PRIDE that the WAR goes on...we are going to say "Hi" to a few State Troopers by riding peacefully through the Capitol - twice.

PRIDE our town has such damn good beer..The Gingerman

And of course, we'll pay tribute to PRIDE Week at Charlie's.



Meet - Wed, 6/2: 6pm - Texas Chili Parlor. Ride leaves at 7pm (for real this time)
Bring: A light, a lock, a friend and some bail money.
THE MAP

WAR XLIX - Up on the Roof

As the days of Spring fade in a scorching heat, let’s take advantage of the chance to drink cold beer without the requirement of conditioned air. In fact, let’s mock the source of the summer heat by putting on our Icarus wings and flying closer to the heat source. That’s right, sun – we’re comin for you.

This week we will visit some of Austin’s higher establishments. No, Eeyore’s Birthday has already passed, I’m talking altitude.

This week we will visit a few fine Rooftop Bars. If you can’t get arrested for throwing stuff off of it, we ain’t drinkin there. We will even visit a bar actually CALLED “Rooftop Bar”. As I have never been there, I can confirm neither its support of a elevated drinking surface, nor its actual existence. Additional rooftops will include Molotov’s, Six Lounge and a secret location. However, the secret location will be changed in the event of a fire, in which case I say – burn motherfucker, burn.

Meet: Wed, 5/19, 6pm - Frank’s Hot Dogs & Beer – 4th& Colorado

Ride Leaves: 7pm SHARP!

Bring: Light, lock and a friend. Just as an FYI – we don’t need no water.

THE MAP

WAR XLVIII - Cinco de Mayo

The WAR went deep East Side. Deep.

WAR XLVI - Spring Music

There is actually some awesome music this Wednesday. For free. I ain't talkin' 'bout my magic bike trailer.

Let's start out with on of my favorite Austin bands - Skyrocket. Smooth a.m. hits of the 70s sung by a few of Austin's best musicians, including Trish Murphy, who I may or may not have a huge crush on. (Because Henna Chevrolet will stand by you).

Skyrocket goes on at 730 at Scholtz. Let's meet there for beer/food about 630ish. We will stay for the first set and then head over to see WAR favorite Damon Bramblett at the Mean Eyed Cat.

Spring temperatures, cold beer, 70/80s cover band, a honky-tonk hero - why WOULDN'T you come out and join the WAR?


Bring a light, a lock and your SPD compatible dancin' shoes.

Wed, 4/21 - Meet Scholtz 630p

WAR XLV - Check out my giant deck

Well, spring has sprung. The cold damp of winter has finally passed, and most importantly we have reached daylight savings time. Spring - it's here. Ah, spring, in Austin. The flowers are blooming, there is some sort of festival every weekend and a young boys thoughts turn to his deck.

Yep, if the weather is good, you need a nice chunk of wood to sit on in the out of doors while you drink your frosties.

So, this week's ride will focus on a few of Austin's finer wooden decks.

MEET: 4/7 - 6pm Crown & Anchor for burgers
Ride leaves at 7pm SHARP!
We will hit: Able's, Little Woody's (campus)

Bring a light, lock, a friend and some tweezers for splinter pickin'

Rumor has it the fearless leader may return from exile! THE MAP

WAR - XLIV - Where?

This ride was hosted by Eric Crowder. All I know is I didn't show up, but some of my homebrew went missing. At least the thieves got rained on.

WAR XLIII - Maggie

The stork brought something to me this week that may prohibit me from leading tomorrow night's WAR. However, rain, shine, or baby, the WAR must go on.

Dr. Crowder will be leading the ride tonight.

Here is the ride itinerary in his own words. Creative Writing was apparently not a required class in Medical School.


Itinerary:

Meet at Uncle Billy's. 6:00p, leave 7:00p 3/10/10

Ride bikes.

Mean Eyed Cat for some honky tonkin' with Damon Bramblett.

Ride bikes.

Barton Springs Saloon.

WAR XLII - Great White North - 2/24

Seriously? Snow. In Austin. In late February. Like you, I am sick and tired of being wet and cold. I know, I was just complaining about being hot and dry a few months ago. But, you know...freedom of speech and all.

There is only one way to confront these endless cold fronts. Act like Bill Paxton and drive right into the eye of the storm. I can't believe that I just made a reference to Twister. I'm so, so sorry.

Grab your coat and pedal north. That's right. This we week head NORTH. And by north I mean North-Central Austin.

We will start out at the Pour House - 6701 Burnet Road. Meet for dinner at 6, ride leaves at 7.

We will hit: The Pour House, Ginny's Little Longhorn, Billy's, Lala's and The Poodle Dog.

Bundle up and hope for spring.




THE MAP

WAR - XLII - President's Ride

WAR XLII - 2/10 - 7pm

It’s that time of year again, kids. Time to celebrate that special holiday you never really look forward to. No, I’m not talking about the one where you get in trouble for making dinner reservations too late and pay triple the going price for roses. I’m talking President’s Day.

You don’t get the day off work, you don’t get presents and you are honoring some guy that, statistically speaking, 50% of the country hates. You know what this holiday needs? Beer.

Let’s honor our past presidents by hitting some of Austin oldest bars. We will hit Scholtz’s Beer Garten – which is not only our oldest bar, but the oldest business in Austin. (Well, except for THAT oldest profession.) We’ll visit the Cedar Door, which has operated continuously since 1975, although in many different locations – and they didn’t move the business – they moved the whole freakin’ bar. You will see the Cloak Room, which, I think might have been built the same year as the Capitol. Finally, we will end up at the Crown & Anchor, okay, it’s not that old, but it is that awesome.

I know it is supposed to be cold, but I have planned a short route. You’ll have a beer in your hand before your junk shrivels up.


MEET: Torchy’s Tacos (yum) – 28th and Guad – 6:15pm. Ride leaves at 7pm SHARP!
Bring a light, lock, space heater-trailer and a friend.

The Map

WAR XXXXI - Pac Man Fever

Now that Swine Flu seems to have officially passed us by, it is time to discuss an illness that has plagued me since I was old enough to hold a quarter.

Pac-Man Fever.

Seriously, when you think of your childhood, the old stand up video games were really a part of our lives. Yet, so many lifetime goals go unfulfilled.


What WAS at the end of Zaxxon?
How many quarters DID it take to beat Dragon's Lair?
How many levels were there in Guantlet?
Did ANYONE beat the high jump in Track and Field?
What the fuck WAS Q-Bert?
How do you get away from the bees in 720?

It took a hell of a lot of quarters, but friends, I'm telling you. You COULD turn into a boat in Spy Hunter. I seen it with my own eyes.

So, Wednesday, 1/27, we search for answers, riders. We are going to see out the old video games and beat them - WHILE drinking beer.

MEET: Rounder's Pizza at 6pm if you want dinner (they also have a few sweet games). Ride leaves at 7pm sharp.

We will hit:
Shangra'la - Old school games there
Betsy's Bar - Last time I was there you could play Atari AND Intellivision (speaking of, was there an end to Pitfall?)
Kung Fu Saloon - A new joint that claims to specialize in old school greatness

UPDATE: The good peeps at Kung Fu Saloon have extended us a drink special. Just for WAR riders. God, I hope they have the video game Kung Fu. Or at least Double dragon.

Bring a lock, a helmet, a friend and a sack of quarters. And watch out for Rooney.

THE MAP

WAR XXXX - I'm not 40

WAR XXXX - 1/13 - Departs 7pm

The Big Four Oh. The WAR is officially middle aged. It’s getting hard to see the crankset over the WAR’s beer gut. The WAR no longer has any business wearing spandex. The bad-ass music trailer has been replaced with a kid-toter.


The WAR might be middle aged. Hell, we might be as well, but that doesn’t mean we have to surrender to the suburban middle ages. We will continue to be the people our parents warned us about until we are the people we are warning OUR kids about.
So, in the theme of NOT being middle-aged (or at least not acting like it)…meet at Cuatro’s in West Campus. (1004 West 24th Street). Meet at 6ish if you want dinner – they have great tacos for the cheap. Being in the campus area, they are bound to have a good beer special as well.


We will hit Uncle Billy’s for Bike Night, Club DeVille and The Crown and Anchor. Ride leave Cuatro’s promptly at 7pm. Bring a light, lock and a friend.

THE MAP